Returning to school can be a difficult time for children and their parents. It’s a transition that some find stressful, which is completely understandable: it can mean changes to routine, less time with parents or siblings, less freedom and more structure, more expectations and a degree of uncertainty.
But there are things you can do to help your child feel more secure in managing this transition, and to help you both feel more calm and in control.
1. Normalise it
I am a big advocate of the idea of “name it to tame it”. If you help your child to recognise that what they are experiencing is anxiety, and talk about it, it will help them to feel more in control. Give them the emotional vocabulary to voice their feelings: “I can see you are unsettled. I wonder if that is because you are feeling a bit nervous/worried/anxious?” Let them know that anxiety or worry is okay, not something to be scared of: give them permission to feel it. It is our brain and body’s way of letting us know that something is happening we are a bit unsure about. Talk with them about their worries: what is it about returning to school that gives them that wobbly feeling?
2. Control
Look at those worries and think about which ones you can control, and which ones you can’t (this is useful exercise to do for yourself as well. If it feels appropriate, make it a joint activity). If they are worried about being on time in the morning, help them think about what they can do to manage this: have your bag packed the night before, make sure your alarm is set, etc. With worries you can control, make an action list. Again, this can help them (and you), feel empowered to make the changes or take the actions you need to.
The worries you can’t control are a little more tricky, but help them think about how they can let those go and focus on the things they are in control of. For example, a common worry is about friendships:
“Will X still be my friend?”
“What if no one wants to play with me?”
Help your child to remember that we cannot control other people’s actions, words, feelings, but we can choose how we behave and the words we choose to speak.
Are the worries things we can do something about? If so, take action! If not, if they are “what ifs”, then use distraction! Try and focus on something else, rather than expending energy on things you cannot control.
3. Plan and prepare
This one is mainly for you, but you can involve your children. Feeling in control of the practical stuff really helps. So if you often feel that mornings are a rush, or you recognise that trying to find those forms, reading books or PE kit is a trigger for you, think about how you can organise yourself. There are lots of ideas out there for organisation stations, keeping track of essential things, and helping you feel more “with it!” The important thing is to find a system that works for you and your family.
4. Physical Health
Getting the right amount of good quality sleep, having a nutritious breakfast, and building your immune system are all crucial to helping you regulate your emotions. If you are tired, hungry and run down, chances are you will feel more vulnerable to stress. This goes for you and your children!
5. Balanced View
Whilst its easy to get drawn into the worries, doom and gloom, try and encourage your child to keep a balanced view. It’s important to acknowledge their worries and not be dismissive with a, “don’t be silly” or “don’t worry about it”. Their thoughts and feelings are important and should be validated. However, at the same time, try and get them to have perspective and recognise the things they are looking forward to, the things they will enjoy. What are they studying this term that they will be interested in? This isn’t putting a “positive spin” on things or discounting the worries, but being clear and balanced and acknowledging the good.
6. Regulation
Spend some time with your child practicing ways of regulating your emotions: deep breathing exercises, affirmations, stretches and using grounding strategies are all beneficial techniques to practice. Remember that the more you practice, the more effective these strategies will be. Practice on a regular basis, when you are feeling calm, and you’ll find that when you need to use them in times of anxiety, it will be much easier to reach for them.
7. Transitional Objects
Transitional objects can be used to help children feel more secure in times of change. Whilst younger children may have comforters such as a security blanket or teddy, older children can use objects such as a comfort stone in their pocket. Holding or rubbing the stone may help them feel grounded, give sensory input and a psychological reminder of their primary caregiver if it has a message, for example. The idea is to create a link between home and school/nursery, so they feel safe and secure.
8. After School
When they get home, try not to bombard your children with questions about how their day went. Create a calm setting for them - feed them (they won't have had the eleventy billion snacks they've been used to over the summer, and they will have expended a lot of energy), give them some space but let them know you are there when they are ready to talk.
Perhaps ask what was the favourite thing about the day or what they played with their friends. Asking questions like, "what did you do today?" are likely to be met with the response, "I don't know" or "I forgot"!
And if they have a meltdown because they have been trying to hold it together all day, don't feel you have to "fix it". Just be there, hold them if they need it/will let you. Sit with them and let them know you have got them.
9. Reward
Plan something fun for when they get home. A hot chocolate or their favourite thing for dinner. Maybe an extra story that night, a family board game or walk, or a little longer on their favourite video game (assuming homework has been done, of course!) Recognising that they have done something as brave as go to school and engage, when they were anxious, is really important for building their self-esteem. They have acknowledged their anxiety, faced it and been determined, so that should be rewarded! And don’t forget yourself!
10. Communicate with school
If your child is particularly anxious about school, try and talk to their school about it. Many children will hide their anxiety at school: they can be distressed and emotionally aroused at home but once they walk through the magical school gates, the mask comes on and they present as well-behaved, confident pupils. But keeping up the pretence is exhausting, and that’s when we often see the meltdown at home. Talk to school and see if they can have a quick check-in with your child on arrival. Using those calming strategies throughout the day helps them to regulate. Being proactive about supporting a child’s emotional difficulties is much more effective and much more beneficial to the child, than reacting to when they have become overwhelmed.
FURTHER READING
The following are books that I often recommend to parents and carers, for support with separation anxiety. I am not affiliated with them, I’ve just found them to be beneficial.
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn
I also stock a variety of books and CDs from Relax Kids. I particularly recommend the A Monster Handbook, which helps children feel more in control of their difficult emotions, such as anxiety.
Relax Kids have a free pack to download, for parents and teachers, with ideas for helping make your back to school experience a calm one.
If you are concerned about your child’s emotional well-being, please do seek support from their health visitor, school nurse or GP. Each child is an individual and should be treated as such.
Aislinn Marek is a qualified person-centred counsellor, registered with the BACP. She has worked within the NHS, education and private practice for many years, and is passionate about supporting people of all ages with their mental health.