“How do I calm my anxious child?”, is a question so many parents want answering. To see your child in distress, unable to speak, withdrawing from friendships, activities, or refusing to go to school, can be heartbreaking, and often parents feel helpless. And because anxiety is often masked by anger, it can be hard to identify or empathise with. When your child is shouting or hitting out, because they are overwhelmed by feelings of anxiety that they cannot control, it can be tricky to see the anxiety beneath, and to stay calm yourself.
Here are my top ten suggestions for helping your anxious child feel calmer (you might find they help you, too!)
Recognise
The first key is recognising that what your child is experiencing is anxiety. Often anxiety wears a disguise and it can be hard to see the emotion through the behaviour. Some signs to look for are: changes in appetite, disturbed sleep or difficulty settling to sleep, complaining of tummy aches or being unwell, frequently needing the toilet, being tense or fidgety, struggling to focus or concentrate, becoming irritable or angry, crying frequently or seeming clingy. Help your child to recognise that what they are experiencing is anxiety: simply by naming it, they often feel more in control.
Rescue
Imagine your child is swimming in the sea and starts drowning: you wouldn’t stand on the beach and shout instructions, you’d be in there, grabbing hold and pulling them out. In the same way, when your child is in the midst of an anxiety attack or appears overwhelmed, step in and help them. The time for teaching them techniques is when they are calm and settled and able to take on board what you are teaching them.
Just Be
You are stressed, overwhelmed, incapacitated by anxiety and someone is asking you questions, asking you to use logic and thought, to put your jumbled up thoughts and feelings into a coherent sentence. Sounds tricky? That’s how your child is feeling. Allow them to just be: reassure them that the panicky feeling will pass, and that you are there with them. Try not to make too many expectations of them whilst they are in the midst of an anxiety attack. We want to “fix it”, but sometimes we need to take a step back and let the anxiety wave run its course.
Breathe
Helping your child to regulate their breathing can help them to reset their nervous system and feel calmer. You can try and encourage your child to engage in breathing exercises, but if they are too overwhelmed to listen and actively participate, sit with them and regulate your breathing, and their breathing will gradually sync with yours. Sit with your child’s back to your chest and allow your breathing to set the pace for theirs. Try using bubbles to help your child control their breathing.
Touch
Using touch can be highly effective in reducing anxiety and calming the nervous system. We often use touch instinctively to help calm our children: rubbing their back, squeezing their hand in reassurance, stroking their head, etc. You can find out more about the importance of touch in a previous blog post.
Lengthen
When we are anxious, we may tend to curl up, almost as if we are trying to make ourselves invisible. By lengthening ourselves, rolling the shoulders back, opening up the chest, stretching out the fingers, etc, we are releasing the tension in the body, allowing our bodies and brains to feel calmer, more relaxed.
Listen
When your child is talking to you about the things that worry them, listen. Whilst their worries may seem small, silly, illogical or insignificant to you, they are very real to your child. You don’t have to “fix” their problems, or find an answer to their worries: often, just reassuring them that you are there and listening to them will be enough to help them feel secure, heard and empowered to either take action or let the worry go. If you want to explore more about helping your child build their resilience and stand on their own two feet, have a read of this blog.
Normalise
Let your child know that it is normal and okay to worry about things. Having a sense of caution is vital to our survival: if we weren’t concerned about being run over, we would walk blindly into the road without checking for cars, for example. We take out insurance, use passwords and PINs, caution our children against talking to strangers, etc. And when we worry about something, it indicates a sense of importance: if I am worrying about an upcoming test, it is because I want to do well, the results are important to me. Worrying is normal and natural: the issue is when the worries become too big for us to manage, begin to impact on our daily lives, or cause us to feel unwell.
Long term plan
When your child is feeling calm and settled, help them to think about how they manage feelings of anxiety. If they regularly practise breathing techniques, use grounding techniques, use calming self-talk, these strategies can start to take effect and become a more instinctive way of responding to anxiety. It’s important, too, to think about the causes of anxiety and to help your child make an action plan: are these things that are within their control, or negative thoughts, “what ifs”, that they need support in letting go of?
Practise
As with anything we want our children to be proficient at, it is important to practice the strategies on a regular basis. Try and build affirmations, stretches, breathing techniques into your daily routine. Find ways of offering your child space to talk on a regular basis, not just when a difficulty pops up.
Reward
I know I said ten, but here’s your bonus tip! Reward your child when they have managed their anxiety well. Help them to recognise when they have handled an anxiety-provoking situation in a calm and confident manner, and give them praise for this. This can help them to feel more confident in their ability to manage those tricky emotions, but also they will know you have noticed them and the positive attention can work wonders.
Further reading
The following are books that I often recommend to parents and carers. I am not affiliated with any of them, I’ve just found them to be beneficial.
Little Meerkat's Big Panic: A Story About Learning New Ways to Feel Calm by Jane Evans
What To Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid's Guide To Overcoming Anxiety by Dawn Huebner
The Huge Bag Of Worries by Virginia Ironside
Worries Go Away! by Kes Gray
I also stock a variety of books and CDs from Relax Kids. I particularly recommend the A Monster Handbook, which helps children feel more in control of their difficult emotions, such as anxiety.
Aislinn Marek is a qualified person-centred counsellor, registered with the BACP. She has worked within the NHS, education and private practice for many years, and is passionate about supporting people with their mental health.
If you are concerned about your child’s emotional well-being, please do seek support from their health visitor, school nurse or GP. Each child is an individual and should be treated as such.
Image credit: Jo Bishop Photography